30/03/2005

Dictionary of SHIT!



A

Acid Shit - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toiletbowl, the whole time, chronically burning your tender anus

B

Back-to-Nature Shit - This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car

Bombshell - A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities

Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Shit or the Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit - The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke

C

Clean Shit - The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper

Corn Shit - Self-explanatory

Crowd Pleaser - This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing

D

Drinker's Shit - That is the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet

E

Energizer vs. Duracell Shit - Also known as a "Still Going" shit

F

Floater - Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings

Flock of Seagulls Shit - You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realisation that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind the bowl

Frightened Turtle Shit - The kinda shit that pokes its head outa your asshole and then shoots right back into your ass

G

'Gee, I Wish I Could Shit,' Shit - It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped, and fart a few times

Ghost Shit - That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet

Groaner - A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance

Guiness Book of Records Shit - A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations

H

'Honeymoon's Over' Shit - This is any shit created in the presence of another person

I

'I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole' Shit - Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards

'I Think I'm Turning Into A Bunny' Shit - When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water

'I'm Going To Chew My Food Better' Shit - When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning

K

Klingon - A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper

L

Lincoln Log Shit - The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush

Liquid Plumber Shit - This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

Liquid Shit - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.

M

Mexican Food Shit - A class all of its own

Mood Enhancer - This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again

O

Olympic Shit - This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit

Ottoman Shit - The kind where the odour of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted to happen in several bowling alleys in the past few years especially.)

P

Pebbles-From-Heaven Shit - An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit

Peek-A-Boo Shit - Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control

Phantom Shit - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there

Porridge Shit - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless

Power Dump Shit - The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done

Premeditated Shit - Laxative induced. Doesn't count

R

Ripper Shit - The kinda shit that rips the hair outa you ass when it comes out

Ritual - This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper

S

Second Wave Shit - It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more

Shitzophrenia - Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

Snake Charmer - A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless

Spinal Tap Shit - That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways

W

Wet Cheeks Shit (See also: Power Dump) - That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water

Wet Shit - The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwipped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain

'What The Hell Died In Here?' Shit - Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin' and gasping for air

From my pal Ed Munir in Minnesota, US


And here is a graffiti I read in the loo of Hotel Intercontinetal way back in 1979 - lets call it POETIC SHIT?


"Here I came broken hearted, came to Shit but only farted"



Mac

16:10 Posted in Chuckles! | Permalink | Comments (1)

Comments

What a shitting surprise for me that there are all these words using "shit".

Thanks for sharing Mac.

Posted by: Rezwan | 01/04/2005

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